I find myself at a loss of what to do.

I’m in Canada. And I never really thought that I would be out here. Despite all that my brain did to convince me of the possibility, I never did think that I would make it out of my home country if it wasn’t for a brief stint on a controlled and ordered holiday.

And yet, I am here.

In just a few days time, however, I’ll be needing to make my way back home, and I’ll need to find a job. My mum said, at the start of it all, that it would be fine if I came home and wanted to head back out again after, but I had waved her off: my traveling would be done. The itch would have been scratched. It was never meant to be a long-term thing anyway. I’ll pursue a job, a career, and start making money again. As I should. As I’m expected to.

But, instead, being out here has only made me want to experience even more of the world, and do those things I never thought I could – I never thought that I would be in Canada. Hell, I didn’t really think that I’d ever leave England, either.

And now, I want to visit New Zealand and Australia. I want to backpack Europe. I want to visit the Nordics and Switzerland especially. See the Northern Lights. I want to backpack around the British Isles; see more of my home countryside by foot. I want to volunteer and help with conservation projects, with marine life; sea turtles. I want to help stray animals find loving homes. I want to see the world.

And I’m so torn and so scared because nothing in life comes easily and the rational part of my brain, that is so full of sensibilities and order and structure and adherence, is declaring that a job is the only way to go from here on out – but the irrational part of my brain, the defiant and wild and the fighting part, wants me to hold out and travel for longer. Wants to have more adventures and meet other people.

I’m in Canada, but I go home in a little over two weeks time and I’ll have to decide what I want to pursue. I’ll have to be certain. I’ll have to be definite.

But I don’t think that I can be so resolute and I feel so overwhelmed.

People say take each day as they come, but that’s a hard thing to do with our society being the way it is. With the world revolving around the making of money.

And I don’t know whether to pursue work in publishing now, or anticipate that that opportunity will always be there to come back to and, instead, do a bit more traveling…