The weekend preceding my final days in Sri Lanka was a welcome break, but it also only served to postpone the stresses and anxieties that came with volunteering out there: we had a wonderful trip to the Maldives planned, and it was bliss.

I almost didn’t go on this trip, truth be told. I am fretful about money at the best of times and I didn’t really see the appeal in traveling to the Maldives, either. But my mum convinced me that this was a once in a lifetime opportunity and that I should just go for it. I’m glad I listened to her because it really was a once in a lifetime experience.

All these social media posts that I see online, of people living it up traveling and in the sea – I never thought that would be me. But I had the opportunity to swim with tropical fish and see coral reefs up close. I got to feed sting rays (one even swam up and bumped into my foot) and swim with large and unbothered Nurse sharks. These huge fish would come so close and brush against us as they passed, it was an out-of-body experience, for sure.

But I think my favourite experience out there, was parasailing for the first time. We were on a speed boat with complete strangers: Chinese tourists who didn’t speak much English, and we didn’t speak any Chinese at all. But we managed to laugh and smile and enjoy our time together none-the-less. And when I was nervous about going up on the parasail with my two German friends, Antonia and Franzi, they were being so supportive and were so excited for me. It was an amazing feeling.

Up there, in the air, flying in the setting sun and the gentle breeze above the sea, I felt so calm and so at ease and it was as if my mind, my thoughts, came to a halt. It was so peaceful. It was in that moment, actually, that I wondered what it would be like to sail the sea on a tall ship, all those hundreds of years ago. You must have felt so very big, but also so so small at the same time.

Sometimes I wish that the fantasy books I read were real.

But after such a joyful and happy experience, I eventually had to return to the project accommodation for the last week. I had been dreading it the entire time that I had been away. I had been told, the morning that we left for the Maldives, that Chino – one of our Sanctuary pups who had caught parvo and was suffering the worst with it – had died. I wasn’t looking forward to going back and seeing what else had happened while I had been away. Especially because my fellow dog volunteer – who had been with me since the start, Sanda, had left. Her time was up at the project, and I wish I could have gone with her. I also wish that I had had the sense of mind to do what Georgie had done – her flight home was scheduled after the Maldives trip. What a high note that would have been to end on. Such a positive end to a volunteering experience that had fast become negative.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t so lucky.

While I wasn’t alone in working with the dogs on that last week, it did prove to be all too much – having worked with these dogs and earned their trust, so much that they were all so happy to see us when we went into the sanctuary, it was awful and heart breaking to see them start to fall ill and die in front of us. What tipped me over the edge was learning that even dogs vaccinated against parvo, could catch it.

There had been a voice in the back of my head during the Maldives trip, constantly asking, “what if, what if, what if?” I finally decided to act on my worry and look into the matter myself and learned that parvo can act like the common cold: there are different strains and mutations, which means, even if your dog is vaccinated against the virus, there’s still a risk that they could get it. I have two dogs at home, Sam and Merlin, and Sam is turning fourteen this year. I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if I ended up bringing parvo back to the boys. I’d be inconsolable.

And what of the people I’d bump into at the airport or sit next to on the plane? What if they have an elderly dog, young pup, or unvaccinated pet at home, too?

The guilt and worry ate me up way too much and it resulted in me having an embarrassing panic attack, and I decided to call my parents at length to explain the situation. My fellow volunteers were entirely understanding, however, and some even pointed out how much work that the dog volunteers had to do compared to everyone else. They all encouraged me to switch projects. People have been switching back and forth between projects the entire four weeks that I had been there, and though some people would come into the dog sanctuary to see what it was like, apart from Rosie who came to help out on one day in my second week, no one was actually joining the dog project.

Three weeks ago I would have firmly said no to the idea, but with the worry of hurting other dogs, especially Sam and Merlin, I relented and switched to childcare (what was a whole new bag of worms to deal with. There was very little order or safety regulations, but let’s not talk about that.)

Despite the issues present with childcare, I did feel an entire weight lift off my shoulders and I felt infinitely better in my decision to change projects, as much as I still felt guilty for letting our sanctuary dogs down.

The last few days out there were much more enjoyable, yes, but that still doesn’t take away from the fact that the way these projects are being run is unfair and unhealthy – every other volunteer I talked to expressed disappointment with what they were met with when they arrived. In a lot of areas as well.

I came away from my experience in Sri Lanka more grown and selfish than I would have expected. Grown, because I learnt to be more confident and sensible; selfish because I put my own needs – and the needs of my own dogs at home – before the sanctuary dogs and, before, I believe I would have let the situation walk all over me and stayed in a miserable situation which would have done no one any good what so ever.

I could not have anticipated what was waiting for me out there in Sri Lanka and wonder, if I had known what was going to happen, would I have still gone?

But I’m glad I didn’t know.

Despite the ups and downs, I had such and amazing experience and met a lot of amazing people and made a lot of new friends who imparted on me a world of wisdom and understanding. I wouldn’t be who I am today if I hadn’t gone.

And I wouldn’t have gotten my first tattoo either. It may seem trivial to some, but it means the world to me and it comes with a world of meaning behind it too. It’s a swallow.

So do the thing you want to do and take it all in stride.